AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Any refunds available?…
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.