ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
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Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
So that’s what we looked like?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Ugh but profoundly