*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.