GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Home #decor warning.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
any last words?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.