If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.