I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You Might Also Like
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
liiiiiiiiike
Duck typos.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…