I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.