Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
when someone compliments me
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Strangers have the best candy.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.