All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
You Might Also Like
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m giving up ice.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.