Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
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This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.