Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…