Candid photo of me, eating chips.
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
FINE, I WON’T.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!