me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
This is hilarious….