*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
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How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.