Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
You Might Also Like
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back