When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.