What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
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me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Try and stop me.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”