Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
What do you hear?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.