Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
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5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.