Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
water it, i dare you
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
The answer is funnier than the question
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
brian had himself a morning…
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word