Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My god she’s good.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”