“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Never let them know your next move 😂
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.