Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
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Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
FRED: right
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?