Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn鈥檛, it鈥檚 shaped like an Italian car, didn鈥檛 you read my name?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can鈥檛 either
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
It was worth a shot 馃槀
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I鈥檓 calling the crops
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)