commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
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If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit