He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Who knew!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.