Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?