if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
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*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’