If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
the simulation is moving too fast
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted