I need to update my racial profile.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”