“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Oh no
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance