Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
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My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Don鈥檛 go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I can鈥檛 believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I鈥檓 dramatic
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.