[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
She: I like Cats
He:
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg