my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”