Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
You Might Also Like
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?