Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
You Might Also Like
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.