Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
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Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I want to meet the individual who made this
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling