I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
crochet youtube is brutal
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false