“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
You Might Also Like
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Boom, boom, ching!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target