the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
me after eating Cheetos
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?