Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
stand with me against insufficient seating
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.