My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
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Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
moms in horror movies
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something