I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.