Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I put the hot in psychotic.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it