My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Investing in beetcoin
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
good morning
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?