I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.