If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
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Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’M CRYINGGG
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked