You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
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Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies