I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Customer is always right
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.