Now they’ll never find me…πππ»
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) βGo, mingle.β
Autocorrect changed βstripβ to βsyrupβ, and honestly, I donβt know which club I prefer.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Plant care tips
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who donβt finish what they start
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
βDonβt touch that. You donβt know where itβs been.β
βI donβt think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.β
βIn this house we cover our mouths when we cough.β
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: Κ²α΅Λ’α΅ β΅ α΅α΅Κ³α΅ α΅αΆ¦βΏα΅α΅α΅Λ’
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?